L-O-V-E

What is it really? What gives meaning to love? For some reasons, now I am confuse. Confuse to what is the meaning of love. Yes, it’s stupid for me to say that I don’t know LOVE at all. Well, tell you what. I know LOVE and all the angles of it. But I don’t exactly have a solid view or perception about it. How can I? When I haven’t been in love at all? Oh yeah, I have been, a lot of times. But how can I make sure that it’s really love that I was feeling? I’m trying to pretend that being single isn’t that bad. But being single for all of your life? My dear God! Where have I been?

Everyone has their special some ones, everyone has a partner. What makes it worse is that, all of my friends have and had their romantic experiences already. I know this is somehow an immature trait of mine. But hey, everyone gets to their comfort zone and suddenly feels that they lack something.

I have fell for boys for I think a lot of times now. And I say, it’s not easy being a girl. Why? Because we can’t do anything to make that boy fall for us too. Yes, I am too conservative. But it’s not that. We have choices; I just chose to be silently screaming about it.

Once, I fell in love with my classmate/friend. I secretly love him and cared for him for one year. And in that one year, I know I am not the only one who is in love with him. But I know my intentions are clearer than hers. It’s just that I have nothing compared to the girl. She is bright, smart, pretty, thin, nice hair, girlish. Far from who I am. She is the kind of girl that with one look, guys can easily be attracted. Yes, I do have a little insecurity in regards with her traits.

**sigh**

After a year and a few months, I confronted the guy, my classmate/friend about my feelings. Actually, since he is my friend, he is used to look at my friendster profile. I have this shout out which says something like this:

“want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes”

After reading my shout out, he immediately asked me who I am pertaining to in my shout out. I have to ask help to a few of my friends who knew about it. But I have finally decided to actually tell him that it’s HIM all these time. Since he was been too pushy in begging me to tell him who is it, it was in yahoo messenger where:

I told him it was HIM. The song was for him and that it is HIM all these time. I LOVE him. I was too nervous after for I have no idea what will happen next.

After that, I waited long enough for me to realize that there was nothing more to say. I LOVE HIM. And that’s it. I waited for his reaction. I waited for a few seconds, but it felt like I was waiting for minutes already, I was too nervous. It wasn’t me. I am not that kind of person and girl. I am afraid of what he might say about me. But that’s it. He didn’t say anything. Not even a word. He asked me why him. I answered “why not?” It struck me. There was nothing for me. Not a single attraction. Nothing from him. I wanted to cry. But I fought it. I am brave. That’s why I told him the truth. You know what? I was wrong.

I am not brave. Because if I am, I shouldn’t have told him that it was him. If I was brave enough, I should have just let my mind took over. I was weak. I am weak. And this stupidity of mine, falling for a friend and telling him the truth, isn’t a sign of brevity. Because I knew all along that he is not in love with me and that he is in love with someone else. Knowing that, I should just have fought my feelings. I hated it. I was stupid. And now, I’m thinking, was it LOVE? Because if it is, if it’s real, I should have just waited.

I’m weak because I needed him with me, for me to be happy just this once. I’m not brave as you see I am. But being strong is not just about having the guts to tell someone that you love him or her. Being strong is fighting with reasons, our heart is irrational. That’s why love is irrational, though it has its own thinking, it doesn’t know it’s cause, it doesn’t know if it’s right or wrong. You fall, and that’s it. That’s why we have our mind. To see and to look that it is love and happiness that we are really looking for. Always remember that the ultimate goal of a person is to find happiness.

Once there is happiness, right time and right reasons, that is LOVE. But still, it’s not clear to me. LOVE should not be explained for it cannot be explained. How ironic. I haven’t been in to any serious relationship. Not even once. But I am writing this one. I have my lessons and now I’m waiting.. and hoping I’ll find him. The right HIM.